The Whole Story

photo credit: bluesmoon

DON’T LEAVE IT ON THE DESK There was a certain Professor of Religion named Dr. Christianson, a studious man who taught at a small college in the western United States. Dr. Christianson taught the required survey course in Christianity at this particular institution. Every student was required to take this course his freshman year, regardless of his or her major.

Although Dr. Christianson tried hard to communicate the essence of the gospel in his class, he found that most of his students looked upon the course as nothing but required drudgery.
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I got this in my inbox today and would like to share with you.

photo credit: WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong?

This is very interesting and not the ending I had expected!!!!

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around fromthen on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from e vil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger…he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

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photo credit: smellyknee

Answer that only a child could think of. You gotto love it. (I am passing on another goody)

HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?

I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!” By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again. Again, they all answered, “NO!” I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, “Then how can I get into Heaven?”

A six-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD FIRST”!

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Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Canada.

If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialled a wrong number, you may live in Canada. Continue Reading »

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Singing Dog

In Honor of Stupid People . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods. I don’t know how true these are, but they are funny!

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) –
‘Do not turn upside down.’
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts –
‘Warning: contains nuts.’
(talk about a news flash)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine –
‘Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication.’
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) Continue Reading »

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Photo: Niels Rameckers @ SXC

I Have Another Funny To Share With You. Sit, enjoy a coffee or tea, and have a laugh!

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does ’slow down’ and ’slow up’ mean the same thing?

7. Why does ‘fat chance’ and ’slim chance’ mean the same thing?

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Photo: Steve Woods @ SXC

How could I NOT pass this along. Gosh, I couldn’t stop laughing the whole time I read it!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
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The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?”
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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Photo Courtesy Jane Monteith

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

PREGNANCY Q &A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

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photographer Julia Freeman-Woolpert

This is so important, please think about this,

This is by a daughter of a murdered couple in TORONTO who had a Bible and Bookstore on Bloor Street.

When I had to testify at the murder trial of my parents a week ago, I was asked to raise my right hand. The bailiff started out, “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ?

I stood there and waited but she said nothing more. She said, “Do you?” I was so stunned I blurted out, “What happened to “so help me God?” She came back with “Do you?” I replied yes, but I was perplexed. Then the judge said, “You can say that if you want to.” I stopped, raised my right hand and finished with “so help me God!”

I told my son and daughter that when it came time for them to testify, they should do the same. It’s no wonder we have so many problems in this country. If I’d had my wits about me, I’d have told them that taking God out of the courtroom is only going to result in more criminals and murderers like him being in there. I don’t know what can be done about it, but it’s time we stepped up and did something.

CBC this morning had a poll on this question. They had the highest number of responses that they have ever had for one of their polls and the percentage was the same as this: 86% to keep the words; 15% against. That is a pretty commanding public response.

I was asked to send this on if I agreed or delete if I didn’t. Now it is your turn. It is said that 85% of CANADIANS believe in God.

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It’s called Christmas, With a Capital C - Merry Christmas Holidays...just around the corner. Have you done your shopping yet?

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