An invasion of armies can be resisted, but not an idea whose time has come.

Archive for the 'Humorous' Category

Kids Are Quick


Creative Commons License photo credit: wjklos

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.


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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables
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Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


Creative Commons License photo credit: Derek Purdy

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
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Tidbits And Trivia- Useless Interesting Information


Creative Commons License photo credit: My Hobo Soul

Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand .

And “lollipop” is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn’t you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.? (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to “do” this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You’re not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstem ious” and “facetious.” (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that’s about what my memory span is.)

A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also)
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Have a laugh


Creative Commons License photo credit: presta

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND…

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Mis-spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
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Are These For Real?

Singing Nikki

Singing Dog

In Honor of Stupid People . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods. I don’t know how true these are, but they are funny!

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) –
‘Do not turn upside down.’
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts –
‘Warning: contains nuts.’
(talk about a news flash)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine –
‘Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication.’
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) Continue Reading »

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Oxymorons. Good Word For These Statements

Photo: Niels Rameckers @ SXC

I Have Another Funny To Share With You. Sit, enjoy a coffee or tea, and have a laugh!

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does ’slow down’ and ’slow up’ mean the same thing?

7. Why does ‘fat chance’ and ’slim chance’ mean the same thing?

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Church Bulletin Bloopers

Photo: Steve Woods @ SXC

How could I NOT pass this along. Gosh, I couldn’t stop laughing the whole time I read it!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
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The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?”
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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Childrens Logic

 Malia with flowers (sepia & color)

‘Give me a sentence about a public servant,’ said a teacher. The small boy wrote: ‘The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.
‘The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. ‘Don’t you know what pregnant means?’ she asked. ‘Sure,’ said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.’

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. ‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said one youngster. ‘No,said another, ‘he’s just for good luck.’ A third child brought the argument to a close.
‘They use the dogs’, she said firmly, ‘to find the fire hydrant.’

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How A Kids Mind Works

One Sunday morning,the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time,so the pastor walked up,stood beside the little boy,and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.” Continue Reading »

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Hmm, How True Is This

Old man, Sam Miguel de Allande.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian,Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed,which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police,who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”.
Then they said that all patrols were busy,and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up,counted to 30,and phoned the police again.
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